Dear Dr. Simon:
To be brief, I had an affair and conceived a child. My husband and the other man is aware of the child, a paternity test was done with the other man and came back as he was the father. My question is, what is in the best interest of the child. The other man has had nothing to do with the child since it's birth and my husband has raised the child since birth. I feel like other man should be held somewhat responsible because he helped create this mess. he has walked away from any sign this occurred leaving me to clean up the mess. I feel the child deserves to at least know about their biological father, regardless of his participation. My husband says "no"! No child support, no court ordered test, no visitation, nothing. I am afraid when the child comes of age, I will not be able to prove to them the whole story.
What is in the best interest of the child?
Thank you!
Dear Mom:
I've always felt that people have a right to know where they come from. I think that people innately need to know and it has been my experience that when a person is deprived this type of knowledge and when it comes to light (and it usually does), their ability to trust is crushed. They feel deceived and lied to. I can understand your husband's feelings too. He loves the child and is raising her as his own. However, what one must consider in situations such as yours is what your child's feelings are, not your feelings and not his feelings. It is my experience that as your child is able to understand that it is good to give information.
However, since you and your husband disagree and since I really don't know what your daughter's emotional vulnerabilties are like, I suggest that you sit down with a qualified therapist in your area and discuss these issues.
Thanks for writing.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
