Dear Dr. Simon:
To be brief, I had an affair and conceived a child. My husband and the other man is aware of the child, a paternity test was done with the other man and came back as he was the father. My question is, what is in the best interest of the child. The other man has had nothing to do with the child since it's birth and my husband has raised the child since birth. I feel like other man should be held somewhat responsible because he helped create this mess. he has walked away from any sign this occurred leaving me to clean up the mess. I feel the child deserves to at least know about their biological father, regardless of his participation. My husband says "no"! No child support, no court ordered test, no visitation, nothing. I am afraid when the child comes of age, I will not be able to prove to them the whole story.
What is in the best interest of the child?
Thank you!
Dear Mom:
I've always felt that people have a right to know where they come from. I think that people innately need to know and it has been my experience that when a person is deprived this type of knowledge and when it comes to light (and it usually does), their ability to trust is crushed. They feel deceived and lied to. I can understand your husband's feelings too. He loves the child and is raising her as his own. However, what one must consider in situations such as yours is what your child's feelings are, not your feelings and not his feelings. It is my experience that as your child is able to understand that it is good to give information.
However, since you and your husband disagree and since I really don't know what your daughter's emotional vulnerabilties are like, I suggest that you sit down with a qualified therapist in your area and discuss these issues.
Thanks for writing.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Son Wants to Live with Father
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughter's boyfriend is 17. His mom died when he was 5 and his biological father is not in the picture. His uncle is his legal guardian and he and his wife have raised him as their son. His "parents" are getting divorced. My daughter's boyfriend would like to live with his mom, but she told him he can't because she has no legal rights to him. His grandmother also lives with them. His dad is not living at home, but with a girlfriend. The assumption was that after the divorce his mom would move out with his "sister" and he, his brother, grandmother and father would remain in their home. Yesterday some people came by to look at the house to either rent or buy it. He was very upset, as he would like to remain in our community so he can finish school. My question is can he move in with his mom even though she has no legal rights to him.
Thank you for your time.
Hello:
Since I'm not an attorney, I can't give you legal advice or answer your question with regard to what the laws are in your area. As a psychologist, I can tell you that it is my experience that in most circumstances involving a 17 year old, the Courts tend to facilitate the wishes of the minor so long as he is mature enough to make a decision. However, I suggest that you consult a qualified family law specialist in your area to get specific information regarding the laws that are relevant for you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My daughter's boyfriend is 17. His mom died when he was 5 and his biological father is not in the picture. His uncle is his legal guardian and he and his wife have raised him as their son. His "parents" are getting divorced. My daughter's boyfriend would like to live with his mom, but she told him he can't because she has no legal rights to him. His grandmother also lives with them. His dad is not living at home, but with a girlfriend. The assumption was that after the divorce his mom would move out with his "sister" and he, his brother, grandmother and father would remain in their home. Yesterday some people came by to look at the house to either rent or buy it. He was very upset, as he would like to remain in our community so he can finish school. My question is can he move in with his mom even though she has no legal rights to him.
Thank you for your time.
Hello:
Since I'm not an attorney, I can't give you legal advice or answer your question with regard to what the laws are in your area. As a psychologist, I can tell you that it is my experience that in most circumstances involving a 17 year old, the Courts tend to facilitate the wishes of the minor so long as he is mature enough to make a decision. However, I suggest that you consult a qualified family law specialist in your area to get specific information regarding the laws that are relevant for you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Calling Grandfather "Daddy"
Dear Dr. Simon:
My grandaughter was recently five years old and has begun to speak of having a daddy a lot. When she asked me approximately two months ago if grandpa would care if she called him daddy, I told her I was sure that he wouldn't care but that I would ask him if she would like and she asked me if I would. I told him what she had said, and he like me wondered if it would cause any harm but we told her that he is her grandpa and would be glad for her to call him daddy if she wants to. She seemed very satisfied; however, she must have given it quite a bit of thought because it took about three months for her to call him daddy. She has been calling him daddy more and more and today at day care she told all the children that she has a daddy now.
The background is that her daddy has not made much effort to see her and has not seen her since before she was two years old. She thinks that she doesn't have one I guess as she has never spoke of it until now. I think we need to talk to her about him (maybe showing her his picture), but it is so hard to explain why he doesn't come. I guess we have been encouraged that he doesn't come around as he and his family are not very nice and are very low class people. Our daughter was married to him before our grandaughter was born. We have helped her with her daughter since she was born, and she is a delightful child. We are afraid she could be exposed to a very bad environment.
It is obvious now that she is grieving for a daddy, and I think he would come once in a while if our daughter encouraged him to, but we don't know what kind of can of worms we could be opening if she contacts him. We all love her so much and would do anything for her. What advice can you give and who can we go to for help in deciding how to approach this problem.
Thank you Ruth
Dear Ruth:
I think you are right when you say that your granddaughter is grieving the absence of her father. She is at an age where his absence is noticed, felt and she is beginning to ask herself questions about who she is and where she came from. Whether or not you think her father and/or his family would be a good influence on her, it is important to remember that to her, her daddy is special. Remember...each of us has only one real mom and real dad. I don't think that it was an especially good idea to allow her to call your husband daddy because he is not her daddy. When she asked about calling him daddy, you had a great opportunity and opening to help her process her loss, to ask questions and to understand what she is seeking to discover. I would have suggested this course rather than mollifying her feelings. While it may be too late to go back and tell her not to call your husband daddy, it is not too late to help her deal with her feelings of loss and to help her in her discovery of who she is and how she came to be. Sometimes children have to do this without one of their parents actually being present - you do not need to contact her father in order to answer her questions about him or help her understand who she is. This contact, if she wants it, can come later in life when she is more mature and ready to handle whatever the realities about him are. Thanks for writing.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My grandaughter was recently five years old and has begun to speak of having a daddy a lot. When she asked me approximately two months ago if grandpa would care if she called him daddy, I told her I was sure that he wouldn't care but that I would ask him if she would like and she asked me if I would. I told him what she had said, and he like me wondered if it would cause any harm but we told her that he is her grandpa and would be glad for her to call him daddy if she wants to. She seemed very satisfied; however, she must have given it quite a bit of thought because it took about three months for her to call him daddy. She has been calling him daddy more and more and today at day care she told all the children that she has a daddy now.
The background is that her daddy has not made much effort to see her and has not seen her since before she was two years old. She thinks that she doesn't have one I guess as she has never spoke of it until now. I think we need to talk to her about him (maybe showing her his picture), but it is so hard to explain why he doesn't come. I guess we have been encouraged that he doesn't come around as he and his family are not very nice and are very low class people. Our daughter was married to him before our grandaughter was born. We have helped her with her daughter since she was born, and she is a delightful child. We are afraid she could be exposed to a very bad environment.
It is obvious now that she is grieving for a daddy, and I think he would come once in a while if our daughter encouraged him to, but we don't know what kind of can of worms we could be opening if she contacts him. We all love her so much and would do anything for her. What advice can you give and who can we go to for help in deciding how to approach this problem.
Thank you Ruth
Dear Ruth:
I think you are right when you say that your granddaughter is grieving the absence of her father. She is at an age where his absence is noticed, felt and she is beginning to ask herself questions about who she is and where she came from. Whether or not you think her father and/or his family would be a good influence on her, it is important to remember that to her, her daddy is special. Remember...each of us has only one real mom and real dad. I don't think that it was an especially good idea to allow her to call your husband daddy because he is not her daddy. When she asked about calling him daddy, you had a great opportunity and opening to help her process her loss, to ask questions and to understand what she is seeking to discover. I would have suggested this course rather than mollifying her feelings. While it may be too late to go back and tell her not to call your husband daddy, it is not too late to help her deal with her feelings of loss and to help her in her discovery of who she is and how she came to be. Sometimes children have to do this without one of their parents actually being present - you do not need to contact her father in order to answer her questions about him or help her understand who she is. This contact, if she wants it, can come later in life when she is more mature and ready to handle whatever the realities about him are. Thanks for writing.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Children and In-Laws
Dear Dr. Simon,
I'm married to my husband and we have a wonderful son. He's now 2 years old. We have made a schedule to bring our son to visit his grandparents on both side every weekend alternately. When my son visits my in-laws they never ask me and my husband to stay, they just want our son to visit them. Sometimes we ask the grandparents on both sides if we could pick-up our son early because we want to have a family time, but my in-laws doesn't want that because they said that that thay've already plan something for our son that weekend, and because of that my in-laws want us to make a schedule for our son to visit them every two weekend and they want us to show it to them and get their approval and they will even sign it like a contract, and we can never pick -up our son early or cancel their time on that weekend that my son is scheduled to them . The other of the reason that they want it this way is because they said that they don't see their grandson as much as they want, but we bring our son to visit them every other week and they other week is at my parents (we can stay at my parents house while we visits them). My problem is I don't want to make up a schedule where I could only see my son 2 weekend a month. How can I tell them this? They're very persuasive especially my mother-in-law (she hates me the first time we met, for no reason) She even threaten my husband that if we don't make-up a schedule then don't bring my son to them anymore.
What should I do? Please help me.
Billy
Dear Billy:
I had to re-read your letter three times to convince myself that you were not talking about a schedule for a child when the parents are divorced and locked in a bitter custody/control struggle. So I have to wonder what it is that has you feeling that you have to negotiate and reach aggreements about child-sharing when, in fact, you are the parents and you don't have to do this? I'd have to guess that either you, your husband or both of you have had your share of struggles establishing appropriate and workable boundaries with your parents wherein they respect your independence and autonomy.
My main concern with your situation is that you are part of a power struggle that does not need to exist. The conflict arising from the power struggle has the potential to be highly toxic to your child. The conflict and power struggle will teach your child that loving freely and openly is not safe, that loving attachment means taking sides. This leads to anxiety, ambivalence and problems forming bonds that are enduring and positive. If "scheduling" your son's time with his grandparents results in this kind of conflict, it is possible that your son's interests are best served by not having him spend weekends with them...this removes the elements of power and control. Best wishes, Billy, and thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I'm married to my husband and we have a wonderful son. He's now 2 years old. We have made a schedule to bring our son to visit his grandparents on both side every weekend alternately. When my son visits my in-laws they never ask me and my husband to stay, they just want our son to visit them. Sometimes we ask the grandparents on both sides if we could pick-up our son early because we want to have a family time, but my in-laws doesn't want that because they said that that thay've already plan something for our son that weekend, and because of that my in-laws want us to make a schedule for our son to visit them every two weekend and they want us to show it to them and get their approval and they will even sign it like a contract, and we can never pick -up our son early or cancel their time on that weekend that my son is scheduled to them . The other of the reason that they want it this way is because they said that they don't see their grandson as much as they want, but we bring our son to visit them every other week and they other week is at my parents (we can stay at my parents house while we visits them). My problem is I don't want to make up a schedule where I could only see my son 2 weekend a month. How can I tell them this? They're very persuasive especially my mother-in-law (she hates me the first time we met, for no reason) She even threaten my husband that if we don't make-up a schedule then don't bring my son to them anymore.
What should I do? Please help me.
Billy
Dear Billy:
I had to re-read your letter three times to convince myself that you were not talking about a schedule for a child when the parents are divorced and locked in a bitter custody/control struggle. So I have to wonder what it is that has you feeling that you have to negotiate and reach aggreements about child-sharing when, in fact, you are the parents and you don't have to do this? I'd have to guess that either you, your husband or both of you have had your share of struggles establishing appropriate and workable boundaries with your parents wherein they respect your independence and autonomy.
My main concern with your situation is that you are part of a power struggle that does not need to exist. The conflict arising from the power struggle has the potential to be highly toxic to your child. The conflict and power struggle will teach your child that loving freely and openly is not safe, that loving attachment means taking sides. This leads to anxiety, ambivalence and problems forming bonds that are enduring and positive. If "scheduling" your son's time with his grandparents results in this kind of conflict, it is possible that your son's interests are best served by not having him spend weekends with them...this removes the elements of power and control. Best wishes, Billy, and thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Have You Tried Our Coffee Yet ?
If you have not tried our Chism Blend Coffee yet, you are missing out. We order only the best coffee in San Diego, and it is the freshest bag of beans you will find unless you roast them yourself. Our beans are not roasted until you order them! To learn more about why Chism Brothers Painting sells coffee and how you can try a bag for free, please visit our Coffee Page: http://chismbrothers.com/site/coffee/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)