Dear Dr. Simon,
I'm married to my husband and we have a wonderful son. He's now 2 years old. We have made a schedule to bring our son to visit his grandparents on both side every weekend alternately. When my son visits my in-laws they never ask me and my husband to stay, they just want our son to visit them. Sometimes we ask the grandparents on both sides if we could pick-up our son early because we want to have a family time, but my in-laws doesn't want that because they said that that thay've already plan something for our son that weekend, and because of that my in-laws want us to make a schedule for our son to visit them every two weekend and they want us to show it to them and get their approval and they will even sign it like a contract, and we can never pick -up our son early or cancel their time on that weekend that my son is scheduled to them . The other of the reason that they want it this way is because they said that they don't see their grandson as much as they want, but we bring our son to visit them every other week and they other week is at my parents (we can stay at my parents house while we visits them). My problem is I don't want to make up a schedule where I could only see my son 2 weekend a month. How can I tell them this? They're very persuasive especially my mother-in-law (she hates me the first time we met, for no reason) She even threaten my husband that if we don't make-up a schedule then don't bring my son to them anymore.
What should I do? Please help me.
Billy
Dear Billy:
I had to re-read your letter three times to convince myself that you were not talking about a schedule for a child when the parents are divorced and locked in a bitter custody/control struggle. So I have to wonder what it is that has you feeling that you have to negotiate and reach aggreements about child-sharing when, in fact, you are the parents and you don't have to do this? I'd have to guess that either you, your husband or both of you have had your share of struggles establishing appropriate and workable boundaries with your parents wherein they respect your independence and autonomy.
My main concern with your situation is that you are part of a power struggle that does not need to exist. The conflict arising from the power struggle has the potential to be highly toxic to your child. The conflict and power struggle will teach your child that loving freely and openly is not safe, that loving attachment means taking sides. This leads to anxiety, ambivalence and problems forming bonds that are enduring and positive. If "scheduling" your son's time with his grandparents results in this kind of conflict, it is possible that your son's interests are best served by not having him spend weekends with them...this removes the elements of power and control. Best wishes, Billy, and thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
