Dear Dr. Simon:
My grandaughter was recently five years old and has begun to speak of having a daddy a lot. When she asked me approximately two months ago if grandpa would care if she called him daddy, I told her I was sure that he wouldn't care but that I would ask him if she would like and she asked me if I would. I told him what she had said, and he like me wondered if it would cause any harm but we told her that he is her grandpa and would be glad for her to call him daddy if she wants to. She seemed very satisfied; however, she must have given it quite a bit of thought because it took about three months for her to call him daddy. She has been calling him daddy more and more and today at day care she told all the children that she has a daddy now.
The background is that her daddy has not made much effort to see her and has not seen her since before she was two years old. She thinks that she doesn't have one I guess as she has never spoke of it until now. I think we need to talk to her about him (maybe showing her his picture), but it is so hard to explain why he doesn't come. I guess we have been encouraged that he doesn't come around as he and his family are not very nice and are very low class people. Our daughter was married to him before our grandaughter was born. We have helped her with her daughter since she was born, and she is a delightful child. We are afraid she could be exposed to a very bad environment.
It is obvious now that she is grieving for a daddy, and I think he would come once in a while if our daughter encouraged him to, but we don't know what kind of can of worms we could be opening if she contacts him. We all love her so much and would do anything for her. What advice can you give and who can we go to for help in deciding how to approach this problem.
Thank you Ruth
Dear Ruth:
I think you are right when you say that your granddaughter is grieving the absence of her father. She is at an age where his absence is noticed, felt and she is beginning to ask herself questions about who she is and where she came from. Whether or not you think her father and/or his family would be a good influence on her, it is important to remember that to her, her daddy is special. Remember...each of us has only one real mom and real dad. I don't think that it was an especially good idea to allow her to call your husband daddy because he is not her daddy. When she asked about calling him daddy, you had a great opportunity and opening to help her process her loss, to ask questions and to understand what she is seeking to discover. I would have suggested this course rather than mollifying her feelings. While it may be too late to go back and tell her not to call your husband daddy, it is not too late to help her deal with her feelings of loss and to help her in her discovery of who she is and how she came to be. Sometimes children have to do this without one of their parents actually being present - you do not need to contact her father in order to answer her questions about him or help her understand who she is. This contact, if she wants it, can come later in life when she is more mature and ready to handle whatever the realities about him are. Thanks for writing.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
